Monday, February 25, 2008

Movies have made me paranoid

These are a list of things that I am "paranoid" about because of the movies.  Some are funny, some are practical.  It is also a work in progress so I may add a line or two every now and then.
  • I cannot get in the front seat of a vehicle (especially at night) without checking the back first for "unwanted passengers".
  • When walking around the house at night in the dark, I don't look at the mirrors in case I see someone else in them (meaning not just me)
  • I cannot face a mirror with a lit candle.
  • I sleep at night with my blanket pulled up to my chin to cover my neck.
  • I don't answer calls (on my cell) from people who's numbers are not in my phonebook.
  • I try not to piss off the people serving my food.  If they do anything I find disagreeable I have a quiet talk with the manager.
  • When I enter a bathroom (toilet and bath combo) I cannot use the seat without checking the bath area first (opening the shower curtain) to make sure I am alone in the bathroom.
  • I cannot use the toilet seat without checking that there isn't someone's head in it.
  • I cannot use the toilet seat without checking if cockroaches are not swimming or surfing in it when flush.
  • Before getting into bed I check the closet properly so that if anything comes out of it I will have early warning.
  • I don't hang my legs off the side of the bed because someone might grab my ankles from underneath.
  • There is NO WAY you will get me to say Betelgeuse three times!
What things have the movies made you paranoid about?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Unsent letters

Dear Millionaire,
I have known you since high school, since I was 14, I believe. And over the months we became friends and this relationship carried over through the rest of high school, college, then later when we were both professionals. A few years ago you did something that destroyed not just our friendship but also your friendship with your supposed best friend since high school. There were emails exchanged, each of us stating our stand and in the end I really thought that was the end of that.  Imagine my surprise when a few months down the road you called me up again as if nothing happened.

Your former best friend won't talk to you anymore, and with good reason.

I've figured out a while back that the reason you keep contacting me is because you don't have that many friends. Come to think of it, you never were Mr. Popularity, really, 'cause, let's face it.You're pushy (bossy).

Every single time you call I ask myself, "What now?" My parents wonder why I still entertain your calls. Frankly, I sometimes wonder the same thing myself. I don't like you anymore. All those sexual innuendos ... they may be a joke to you but to me ... it seems to be too much and even scares me at times because I get a vibe that they are half-meant --- that there is some truth behind the jokes. It makes me uncomfortable because, while I can joke around about sex, per se, it needs to be clear to all parties that it is just that ... jokes. When I get a weird vibe I always listen to it. My senses have not yet steered me wrong.

Sometimes you would joke around and end your sentence with "I know you love me" or "tell me you love me" and lately it makes me scream inside. "No, I don't love you. No, I am not interested in you at all. Never have, never will." I don't care if you have money now (which you deny having and yet manage to run a multi-million business). I don't choose my friends based on how much they have but on who they are inside.

You also like to joke a lot about asking me to marry you. I guess that one is really just a joke because both you and I know it is never going to happen. Part of me is thinking, "I hope he isn't hoping for any other kind of intimate relationship."
  • I don't need your challenging, under-priced, overworked job offers. I don't need a new car at the price of being your work slave. If you really want me to do the job, I've already told you how much I am worth. Match it. Don't negotiate my price down and then expect me to break my back working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.
  • I don't need all expenses paid intimate vacations for two in paradisaical locations all over the Philippines. While visiting these places would be nice in itself, I will admit that at the back of my mind I am thinking, "what do you want from me?"
  • I don't need to hear sexual innuendos with every other sentence. In some places, that would be grounds for harassment.
  • I don't need to go to the U.S. While it would be nice, I do not have any burning desire to less temperate climes.
You are:
  • chauvinistic
  • rude
  • inappropriate
  • disrespectful to me and to my parents
I'm not one to burn my bridges and yet, this bridge ... despite all my efforts (I still take your calls, answer your occasional email and chat message), I think you already burned it for us years ago. Sadly, I am finding it very difficult to cross and overcome. To my regret, we are no longer friends.

With regrets,
Determined Bridge Mender

Dear Freshman,

You are an okay guy. You are not the most interesting guy in the world, but neither are you the most boring.You do have your moments, I'll give you that. We get along fine because we do have some common interests. My mistake was in deciding to take the risk of getting intimate with you. The first time it happened I was so disappointed at how unskilled you are and how unfamiliar you are with the correct protocol that I vowed never to repeat the experience but to retain you as a friend. I didn't tell you how disappointed I was but I thought that it was obvious that I wasn't exactly happy. Maybe my expectations are too high but ... when you've soared to the stars several times, you WANT to experience that again, as often as you can. Apparently, a very small number of people are skilled enough (or talented enough) to accomplish that.

It turned out disappointing for me but apparently not for you because over the next few months you kept asking me for another date and I kept putting you off with one reason or another.  Admittedly, all the reasons happened to be valid, but then, if I had really wanted a liaison, I could have found the time.

And ... despite telling myself that I would NOT repeat the experience, guess what? There I was again spending another disappointing time with you.  I don't blame you for being unskilled. I am angry at myself for being too ... Nice? Generous? Forgiving? Patient? I really, really hoped that between the first and the second time you would have learned something, anything that would satisfy me.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.

You just asked me for another date.  N-O. Absolutely not! No fucking way! Let's just have coffee, shall we? I'm happy with the friendship and, as evidenced by 2 failed encounters, we really should keep it at that.

With regrets,
A Junior

Dear Sloppy Eater,

GMRC - Good manners and right conduct
That was a subject taught to us in school when we were in elementary and at home by our parents and nannies. The rules are so simple, and once upon a time you followed them, too. Why is it that you can't follow them now? And to make matter worse, when we bring your attention to your bad manners, you get all huffy and upset and walk out, or give a speech telling us how we don't show you respect. Hello! Show US some respect!
  • Sip, don't slurp.
  • Don't bang your spoon,knife, and/or fork on your plate when eating. Gently scoop your food.
  • USE THE SERVING SPOON. Don't use your own spoon (that was just in your mouth) to get food from the serving dishes. Not only is it unsightly, it is also unsanitary and will cause the food to spoil faster (if you have intentions of keeping leftovers).
  • If the food is on my other side, ask me to pass the dish, don't reach across me, thereby blocking my plate, preventing me from eating properly.
  • DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL. If you must say something, finish what's in your mouth first. Whatever it is, is not so urgent that you would have to mumble it and have people you are dining with suffer through a food spitting experience.
  • CLEAN AS YOU GO. When you are done eating, bring YOUR OWN plate, spoon, fork, and glass to the sink AND WASH THEM YOURSELF. Don't just leave them at the table expecting someone else to do it for you. Everyone pulls their own weight.
  • If there is food on the table you want and everyone is getting a piece, get a piece for yourself and save it for later, if you don't want to eat it yet. If you aren't getting any (and you are at the table with everyone) and it isn't as if people are diving into the dish anyway, then people would assume that you didn't want any in the first place. So don't complain later that no one left you a piece. Other times there are complaints when we do leave a piece, thinking someone might want it. Food gets wasted. So, either tell someone to save you a piece or get it yourself if it is right in front of you.
  • Do not get food off my plate! If it is on my plate then it is MY food. It is one thing if I offer it. It is another when your fork just zooms across the table and dips into my sauce or jabs into my viand. Yuck! Just the thought makes me lose my appetite.
I could go on but I'm just getting upset so I will end it here.

Eating Police

Dear Hottie,

I don't have any problem talking to most people, men or women. But I've discovered that whenever I find someone really attractive (and not necessarily aesthetically) I find myself lost for words. I want to talk to you but when I see you I can't think of anything to say. We end up with awkward silences which you or I just walk away from. Which is silly because, when we are chatting online, we seem to manage to talk up a storm.

I guess you're just way too hot for me.

In the past the surefire way I have found to diffuse it is to befriend the person I find myself attracted to.  Text messages, emails, coffee, that sort of thing.  I don't know if it is possible here because I didn't even try to get your number but ... in the meantime, I'll be content with shyly peeping at you around other people and grasping for something to talk about when I see you.  Darn!  Can't we just chat online?  I'm better at chat, hehehe.  I feel safe behind the laptop.

Do I want you for myself? Do I wish for a relationship? No. Not at all. I just like the giddy feeling, hehehe.

Giddily yours,